Cafe Laugh

I was in Detroit this past week on business... fun stuff. One of the highlights of my week was a visit to Starbucks Coffee.

For those who know me well, or even just a little, I am the type of person who sees the world with a sense of humour, and I respond as such. (i.e. I'm a smartass.) I am very impressed when someone catches me off guard with their own smartassousness.

We went into Starbucks (my first time there) and my boss orders a Cafe Latte - no fat. Looking at a sea of latte this, espresso that, I quickly said "what he's having". The lady responded, "no fat too?". I said, "Oh no, regular please." I turned to my boss and mumbled, "I don't need to worry about letting myself go, I'm married." He smiled, but I heard a lady laugh behind the counter, not the same lady that served me.

I said, "You laughing at me?". "Yes, it was very funny." Knowing how dry my joke was, I stated, "I appreciate you laughing, but it wasn't that funny." She said, "Oh yes it was... you see, I'm divorced." Puzzled, I responded, "... and?" She said, "I left him because he let himself go to pot!"

Spitting latte out my nose, "Thanks... I'll take that under advisement!" My next coffee was with skim milk and artificial sweetener.

How much is your blog worth?

My blog is worth $0.00.


How much is your blog worth?

Best thing since sliced bread

Knowing how desparate I am for content, my friends at Steel White Table shared with me this interesting piece of technological advancement:

Large plugs? Bring 'em on!

"We've all been there. Charging our cell phone or drying our hair and needing the other electrical outlet that's eclipsed by that humongous plug. It's annoying, and frankly, we did something about it.

For the first time in history, the receptacles in your wall outlet can rotate a full 360 degrees to make use of both outlets"

Thanks Jody. I'm not proud. I don't mind posting stuff on my blog that's not good enough for yours! After all, your blog IS worth 20,000 dollars.

Did you hear the one about ... ?

I was going to post a discussion of something that has been a real problem in my professional life for most of 2005. Instead, I thought I'd take a more positive approach. I reckon it would be more productive to post an inspirational quote that I came across:

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

Procrastination

I was going to blog this topic weeks ago... but just never got around to it.

The great touton debate of 2005

My friends at Steel White Table posted a video on how to cook toutons. This was a very informal and entertaining video that was a fine (yet slightly inaccurate, despite the presence of a Newfoundlander) tribute to a local delicacy. I responded with a post, offering my personal insight regarding the subtle inaccuracies, and spawned a debate over the use of the term Newfie.

It seems as if many people are passionate about the fair treatment of their fellow human beings, even when those treated unfairly are oblivious that they are contributing to the ridicule and injustices aimed their way. I was overwhelmed at the emotional response the term "Newfie" received. I didn't necessarily agree with the seriousness of the debate, but I was flattered and warmed by it regardless. Newfoundlanders have been the butt of many jokes, and it is nice to be rejoiced and defended all at once by someone who simply recognizes the contribution Newfoundland culture makes to the world.

Thank you Phillip (seriously). I can't wait to see your video on how to cook a jigg's dinner! I promise I'll not post a comment. :-)

(Just try to avoid tributes to Polish or Pakistani cuisine!)

Virus Warning...

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 1 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this warning to everyone!!!THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!

Go WILDCATS!

My 14 year old son got a job with the Moncton Wildcats this evening. He went with a friend over to the Moncton Coliseum with a friend (who was already employed there) after school today and hooked into a job. What a proud day for his dad! His job will consist of stuffing programs (and unstuffing leftovers), general gopher work, and if he proves himself, working concessions and 50/50 tickets.

He gets paid a decent wage, for good, clean work. PLUS he gets to watch the game! Beats a paper route.

The Wilcats lost 3-2 against the visiting Acadie-Bathurst Titan.

Stage fright, writer's block, performance anxiety...

After Jody told me that I was added to his "must read" list, I became instantly anxious about content. I mean, how do I come up with something worthy of an audience on a regular basis? I worried and stressed and put three posts on my first day. If I can't give them something interesting to read, I'll at least give them a lot to read! Still I fret for content...

But then I watched Growing Up Gotti on A&E. This show takes viewers into the private lives of the (in)famous Gotti family, as single mother Victoria Gotti struggles to balance her writing career, her love life, and looking after her three teenage sons. I watched two episodes, back to back. In one episode, the three boys and their cousin participate in a rap recording session and in the other, two Gotti boys go on a blind date with some good old fashioned, nice Italian girls.

60 minutes of my life, gone forever.

If A&E can grab my attention for an hour with this crap, why am I worried about content?

Heckle Flashback

One of Moncton's local radio stations, C103, was soliciting the best listener "heckle" to give a pair of tickets to the Just for Laughs Comedy Tour. It reminded me of the best heckle I'd ever heard.

I was on convention in Toronto many, many moons ago, and they had hired a comedian to entertain the crowd during dinner. The guy bombed BIG TIME. He was doing impressions of US-based politicians; and while he was quite good at it, us Canadians were simply not finding the desired humour in it. Folks started to talk amongst themselves and some jeered and heckled the guy. He finally turned to the audience and said something like,"Hey, you guys. I'm getting paid to to this gig, so I'm going to stay here until my time is up. We may as well enjoy it. I'm an impressionist... I can do ANY impression. Tell me what you want to see."

Some guy in the back yelled, "Do a comedian!"

I almost cracked a rib, laughing so hard... the comedian melted into a puddle on the middle of the stage.

God had trouble with His kids too

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

I won the lottery!!

For my retirement plan, I put most of my investment money in something that relies solely on pure, dumb luck. With the rest, I play the lottery.


The Atlantic Lottery Corporation has a game called Atlantic Payday. There are 77 numbers, you pick 4, and if you pick the right 4 numbers you win $2,000 every 2 weeks for 20 years.

I matched 3 out of 4 and got 50 bucks... hmph. Time to retire.

Panic! I need CONTENT

A friend of mine discovered my blog (increasing my reader count to 3, including myself) and told me he was adding my blog to his "must read" list. Was I flattered? I don't know, but I do know that my first thought was "Shit! NOW I need content!" Damn.

I got ROBBED!

According to Stats Canada, there are more than 2100 thefts under $5,000 per 100,000 people per year.

Some bastards broke into the saddlebags of my motorcycle this evening. I left for just over an hour, to go shopping, and when I returned my saddlebags were opened and the contents removed. The bike was sitting out in the open, in front of my house. They got a pair of leather riding chaps, two pairs of leather gloves, and a pair of Serengeti prescription sunglasses.

To add insult to injury, the cops told me that once the thieves discover the glasses are prescription, they will likely simply toss them. I paid 450 bucks for them. Damn.

2101 and counting.